After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga was a perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vino, some nice a cigars for me and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us and a say, "No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car."
"So, me and a my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nicea vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club car."
"So we go to club car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car."
"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the Conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!" Luigi sighed. "Next time, I'm a gonna take a da bus."
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga was a perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vino, some nice a cigars for me and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us and a say, "No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car."
"So, me and a my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nicea vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club car."
"So we go to club car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car."
"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the Conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!" Luigi sighed. "Next time, I'm a gonna take a da bus."
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a couple
of drinks, and enjoy good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
BLONDE 13
Sally and Ben were having an affair at Sally's condominium. Suddenly, they heard the sound of a key in the front door. Sally broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Heavens," she cried, "It's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."
Ben, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "We're on the thirteenth floor."
"For heaven's sake," cried Sally in exasperation, "Is this a time to be superstitious?"
Ben, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "We're on the thirteenth floor."
"For heaven's sake," cried Sally in exasperation, "Is this a time to be superstitious?"
We sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100-grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish saying anything.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100-grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish saying anything.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
LET 'EM EAT CAKE
Don and Amy are at home and Don is watching a football game.
Amy walks into the room and asks Don to fix the kitchen light that had been flickering for weeks.
Don replies, "Fix the light? Do I have GENERAL ELECTRIC written on my forehead? I don't think so."
So Amy tries again and asks that Don fix the fridge door as it isn't closing right.
Don replies," Fix the fridge door? Do I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"OK," says Amy. "Could you at least fix the front steps? Someone's going to trip."
Don screams, "Does it look like I have HOME DEPOT written on my forehead? I don't think so. I'm going to the bar."
After several hours of dedicated drinking, guilt starts to overcome him, so he returns home.
As he is about to enter the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Upon walking through the kitchen, the light is no longer flickering. And when he goes to the fridge to get a beer, the door opens and closes properly.
"Amy" he asks. "How did all this get fixed?"
"Well," Amy replies. I went out and sat on the steps when you left and just cried. A nice young man came by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything if I would bake him a cake. Or, if I wanted to, we could have sex instead.
Don asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?"
Amy replied, "Do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead. I don't think so."
Amy walks into the room and asks Don to fix the kitchen light that had been flickering for weeks.
Don replies, "Fix the light? Do I have GENERAL ELECTRIC written on my forehead? I don't think so."
So Amy tries again and asks that Don fix the fridge door as it isn't closing right.
Don replies," Fix the fridge door? Do I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"OK," says Amy. "Could you at least fix the front steps? Someone's going to trip."
Don screams, "Does it look like I have HOME DEPOT written on my forehead? I don't think so. I'm going to the bar."
After several hours of dedicated drinking, guilt starts to overcome him, so he returns home.
As he is about to enter the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Upon walking through the kitchen, the light is no longer flickering. And when he goes to the fridge to get a beer, the door opens and closes properly.
"Amy" he asks. "How did all this get fixed?"
"Well," Amy replies. I went out and sat on the steps when you left and just cried. A nice young man came by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything if I would bake him a cake. Or, if I wanted to, we could have sex instead.
Don asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?"
Amy replied, "Do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead. I don't think so."
Remember, marriage is the #1 cause for divorce.
CLASSIFIEDS
These classified ads actually ran in a newspaper!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...
FREE PUPPIES
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale..
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...
FREE PUPPIES
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale..
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
40th Wedding Anniversary
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female!
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female!
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